Thank you, I love your work btw, and I follow you on youtube.

One of my biggest motivators in my recovery is to recognize the fact that I know how my life will be if I continue to use porn, I’ve been there already and it’s not going to be any different this time if I choose to go back. It will be a life filled with depression and a lot of short term pleasure, that’s it.
So let me experience something new, even though it’s hard.

Victor

The pains caused in marriages due to pornography addiction are very real. Feeling the betrayal and hurt are legitimate feelings shared amongst those who have an addicted spouse. The logical reaction many feel is that the addicted spouse has chosen pornography over them. “Am I not good enough?” “Am I not pretty/handsome enough?” “How can you chose that “fake” image over me?” These are all understandable reactions but generally not why an addict continues looking at pornography.

Pornography addiction is a brain disease, a drug that literally alters the chemistry and makeup of the brain. Many addicts live dual lives and in secrecy for years. The addict learns to justify, often thinking they can balance the secret forever. This is one of the great lies of pornography as the consequences and effects eventually catch up and come crashing down. Most addicts hate their addiction but do not know how to get real help and attempts to stop are short lived. The pornography acts as a drug, giving a similar dopamine high as other substances like heroin. The brain is literally altered, and develops a dependency on the drug of porn. Most often, porn is NOT used as a “replacement” for ones spouse but has become an entrenched addiction, the result of which damages relationships and alters the cognitive reasoning of the addict. Addicts who have become sober reflect on their addictions and state, ‘What was I thinking!?” That is the exact point, they were NOT thinking, they were reacting to addictive pathways that become chemically entrenched into their brains.

Often addicts have told themselves, “When I get married, I will not need porn any longer.” Once married, the porn addiction continues. Porn becomes a compulsive and addictive behavior which manifests itself despite marital status. Porn addiction does not just go away with a good marriage, a good sex life, or some other aspect of life. Porn hijacks the brain. From a purely physical perspective, it is not the porn that replaces a spouse in a marriage. The best way to explain it is that the addiction compromises and hurts relationships. Pornography damages marital relationships, personal relationships, and ones relationship with them-self, however; pornography in and of itself is not about finding a substitute for a spouse.

Spouses of porn addicts should seek help just as much as porn addicts should. Healing and understanding are vital to moving forward in life. Counseling is most effective if both spouses are willing to participate but often times one or the other is not willing. Anyone can contact us via our website to set up a session or for further questions.

The major turning point for me was realizing that what I am doing is dishonoring my future husband. Proverbs 31 talks about the wife of noble character. I don’t know if you are male or female, but as a male this applies to you as well. The wife of noble character “brings her husband good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” This includes before meeting them as well as after. Realize that you are harming your future relationship now, but YOU can stop. Imagine how hurt your wife/husband would be if this addiction persisted through your marriage. This affects them as well.

Another point for me was that it was ruining my relationship with God. Every single time I masturbated, I could literally feel the hole deepening. I was falling into it, and felt like I had no one to turn to. I struggled with this addiction for a very long time, and it only got worse and worse. At the point when my relationship with God was nearly non-existent, I went to a Christian camp. I felt so much self-loathing at that point, but being saturated in the body of Christ helped me to realize that I am loved, despite my faults, and that most importantly, he truly cares. He wants to get you out of this more than anything else. He sees the pain it brings you, and wants to help. But He can only help you if you trust him to and let Him. He tells us in Isaiah 1:18:

“Come, let us reason together,” says the Lord. “For though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.”
Listen to the love and support in His voice. He is calling out to you! Don’t ignore Him!

If you are a female, I highly suggest reading Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry by Lisa Bevere. Watch the DVD series as well. It’s not geared towards males, but it helped me so much. If you are male, I have heard that the books Every Young Man’s Battle and Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn are great for dealing with sexual temptation. Read your bible and other Christian devotionals as much as you can and hang out with as many godly people as possible.

You say you want to stop. I understand the wanting to, but not being able to. This is because as human beings, we are weak. Since you can’t fight it by yourself, your need some powerful allies. Tell someone. The Bible says:

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” (James 5:16).

I know that it seems scary. I know that you feel ashamed, because I did as well. But the key step is to find someone to hold you accountable. Parents are best because they have the most influence in your life and can actively do this. I wasn’t strong enough to do this, so I talked to my counselor at camp. She gave me this verse:

“I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” (Isaiah 61:10)

When we accepted Jesus as our Lord and Savior, he traded our rags for his robe of righteousness. Every single time you are tempted to look at pornography, focus on this verse. You are clothed in God’s righteousness! You are dressed in his sacrifice and can overcome the sin with His help! It is not hopeless. Just bring yourself humbly to Him. He knows everything you have done, but in order for you to be healed, you need to confess it. It may be a constant process of surrendering yourself to him before it takes any effect, but it will. Just trust Him to lead your out of the pit. He will, but you have to trust Him and work as hard as you can to avoid it.

“Cast your burden on the Lord and he shall sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.” (Psalms 55:22)

Take actions against the sin. I’ve heard that this website: http://www.covenanteyes.com/ is great for holding yourself accountable. You can set it to block pornographic websites.

It is a tough struggle you have ahead of you. I am still struggling with masturbation, but thankfully not even a third as bad as I was. Know that the nightmare can end. I will be praying for you. Don’t forget: you aren’t alone.