Help For Pornography & Sexual Addiction

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There is much truth to the saying, “We often find what we are looking for.”  What we find in our personal world is largely a result of the questions we keep asking ourselves over and over again.  If we can learn to change the questions then the outcomes change.  For example, ponder the difference between these sets of questions:

• What action can I take today to improve my sobriety and mental health
• How come I constantly slip up?
• How can I serve another person today?
• Why don’t people show me the respect I deserve?

Whatever type of question you ask your brain will go on a search for the answer.  By becoming more aware and mindful one can learn to ask more healthy questions. “I began to realize that thinking itself is nothing but the process of asking and answering questions….We need to realize that most of what we do, day in and day out, is ask and answer questions.  So if we want to change the quality of our lives, we should change our habitual question.  These questions direct our focus, and therefore how we think and how we feel….I realized that the main difference between the people who seemed to be successful – in any area! – and those who weren’t was that successful people asked better questions, and as a result, they got better answers.  They got answers that empowered them to know exactly what to do in any situation to produce the results they desired.  Quality questions create a quality life. (Awaken the Giant Within, pp.179-180).

Practice asking better question this week!

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We just wanted to let you know that we have published our first, quick read, book called, “The Language of Recovery” this is not the treatment system but is a great companion to the treatment system and help to those seeking a greater understanding of addiction issues.

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We took the time to interview Robert and to find out why he chose to join the InnerGold team and head up the Youth Addiction programs for InnerGold.

Learn more about Robert: http://helplds.com

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Pornography addicts commonly go through a process I like to call “the hunt.” The best way to explain the hunt is to understand the brain. The brain has a part called the “limbic system” and another part known as the “frontal cortex.” The limbic part of the brain is the instinctive or survival part. The frontal cortex is the logical and thinking part of the brain.

All animals have a limbic system as well, but most have very limited if any frontal cortex. Take a lion for example. If a lion is hungry, what does it do? It goes on the hunt and with fluid skill stalks out, hunts, and attacks its prey. In other words…it eats at all costs. This is a function of the limbic system.

One instinctive part of the limbic system is sexuality. Pornography alters the way our instinctive sexual desires function, creating unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations for very real and natural desires. Pornography literally alters the limbic system to incorporate the need for porn as a survival mechanism…like any other addictive drug. Most porn addicts are as addicted to the “hunt” for porn as they are to the actual viewing. The hunt becomes part of the addictive cycle and excitement of the addiction. Planning out (hunting) the next porn fix is a part of all porn addicts cycles. When a porn addict begins to understand the process of their hunt, they are able to put checks and balances in place to help gain sobriety. The hunt generally starts well before the actual acting out and viewing porn. If an addict can learn to recognize the beginning signs of the hunt and put them aside, the chances of learning sobriety greatly increase.

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Q: Am I not available enough for my spouse or giving them what they want?

A: I don’t look at this addiction that way. A spouse can be totally available and very responsive in an intimate relationship. It doesn’t really have that much to do with the addiction. Yes it can be trigger if there is a fight and it can be a challenge if a spouse is not responsive. They do play into it but it is not a spouses fault if they choose to act out.

If there are those problems in a relationship, it is the responsibility of the spouse to communicate with one another.

It is always a challenge between a husband and wife. Men on average like a physical connection 2 to 3 times a week. Women generally are ok with once one to two weeks. This is generally speaking but as a general consensus this what I have noticed as I have counseled with couples.

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A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg , TN. One morning, they were eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, ‘I hope he doesn’t come over here.’ But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

‘Where are you folks from?’ he asked in a friendly voice.
‘ Oklahoma ,’ they answered.
‘Great to have you here in Tennessee ,’ the stranger said.. ‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I teach at a seminary,’ he replied.

‘Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I’ve got a really great story for you.’ And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.

The professor groaned and thought to himself, ‘Great .. Just what I need ….another preacher story!’

The man started, ‘See that mountain over there? (pointing out the restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, ‘Hey boy, Who’s your daddy?’ Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’

He would hide at recess and lunch time from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad. ‘When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’

But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast that he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd.

Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, ‘Son, who’s your daddy?’

The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, ‘Who’s your daddy?’

‘This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy.. ‘Wait a minute! I know who you are! I see the family resemblance now, You are a child of God.’With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, ‘Boy, you’ve got a great inheritance. Go and claim it.’

‘With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, ‘Who’s your Daddy?’ he’d just tell them , ‘I’m a Child of God..”

The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, ‘Isn’t that a great story?’The professor responded that it really was a great story!

As the man turned to leave, he said, ‘You know, if that new preacher hadn’t told me that I was one of God’s children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!’ And he walked away..

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned.. He called the waitress over & asked her, ‘Do you know who that man was — the one who just left that was sitting at our table?’

The waitress grinned and said, ‘Of course.. Everybody here knows him. That’s Ben Hooper. He’s Governor of Tennessee !’

- Author Unknown

‘The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever.’ ~~Isaiah

YOU’RE ONE OF GOD’S CHILDREN!!!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

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Shakespeare once said, “This above all to thine own self be true and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Completing an honest moral inventory is the beginning process of change. For many this is a very difficult thing to do because it lays one bare to themselves. It forces one to take an honest look at their past behaviors, which in most cases are difficult to admit. It is in the admitting that humility can be found and the process of change can begin. Without being able to clearly admit there is a problem, how can one really begin to change? The exercise in putting the pen to the paper is powerful. When you put the pen to the paper you are in the process of admitting to yourself those things you would wish to deny. On paper it becomes a living document. If you haven’t already done so take the necessary steps to complete your moral inventory as outlined in the manual on page 29.

What is a moral inventory?

Examine your life in yearly increments beginning with the years: 5-10, 10-15, 15-20 etc. to the present. On a piece of paper or in a private folder or notebook, identify all of the addictive activities that your addict has successfully influenced you to be involved in. Document how many times you have committed to stop and then kept acting out. This moral inventory is a personal housecleaning. It is a fact-finding mission of your past history with sexual addictive activities. To honestly face the truth about yourself is a very challenging and difficult thing to do but unless you face it head on, the past will remain a barrier to your future progress. The main focus of this program is to become Future Focused, but in order to fully do that; the past must be clearly and effectively addressed before it can be put to rest.

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What neuroscience has discovered is that our brain is cybernetic in nature, which means that it is literally like a computer, waiting for a program to be installed.  Here is the kicker – the subconscious (limbic system) is completely neutral and impartial – it will carry out any instruction you give it.

The action of feeding the subconscious (limbic system) stimulating material simply sets it on a course that is very difficult to stop.  The brain is simply responding to what you have given it at the deepest instinctive levels. The brain by nature is a creature of habit and just runs with the program you have given it.

Unfortunately, many are stuck in the rut of still running negative programs that have been  picked up from others when our sub-conscious minds were totally open and impressionable, or which have developed over the years as a result of repetition of our own negative thinking.  To change the results you’ve been getting you must overwrite old negative programming and install a different program. The only way to do that in our present society is to become very pro-active about what you allow in your mind. This can be achieved by applying the information you receive in the InnerGold Treatment System .

All behavior starts in the mind with thoughts.  Learning to recognize and become more aware of your own thoughts is what chapter 5 in the manual is all about.  Use it and change your life!

Some thought provoking questions to ask your self:

• How can I seize this chance to become more of the person I most want to be?
• Have I just acted like the person I most want to be?
• What did I miss?
• How can I do better next time?

Related articles retraining brain by installing a new program

• Can Therapy Really Change Your Brain? (psychcentral.com)
• Jen Grisanti: Emotions and Business (huffingtonpost.com)

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Often I hear from clients that they are overwhelmed with the thought of staying sober forever.  Because they have had so many failed attempts at remaining sober it is as though they have lost hope at the deepest level that they can really do it.

Not fully understanding the concept of time gets in their way.  When they think that they must remain sober for the remainder of their lives it is overwhelming and often leads to acting out behaviors.  The addicted brain tells them: “Your not going to be able to resist forever so you might as well get it over with and act out.”

First of all we need to change the way we think about time.  Most clients that InnerGold works with are either stuck in the past or overwhelmed by the future.  They either beat themselves up continually as they look at their past behaviors or they live in fear of future slips or relapses.  This is addictive thinking and will only increase the probability that the addiction will thrive.

In reality the only time we ever have is the present moment.  Time is a concept that we live with in order to make sense of things but in reality it doesn’t really exist.  The misunderstanding of this powerful truth keeps individuals stuck in the addiction.  The only thing that we ever really have is the present moment – the now.   The past is gone forever and the future never really comes.  The only time we can ever experience the past or the future is in the present moment.  It is the concept of the future that moves us to action in the present moment.  When you make a plan for tomorrow what you are really doing is planning for a present moment in the future.  I know, I know this can seem kind of strange to talk like this but ponder these concepts as it relates to recovery and change.

When one finally starts to understand the concept of the now the addiction can begin to losse its power.  One begins to understand that they don’t need to remain sober forever but just for today. In other words forever is today.   I have seen individuals grasp this concept and it changes their lives.  Compare the following two statements:

“For the next 50 years or until I die I am making the commitment that I am never, never, never going to look at pornography or act out sexually again.”

or

“I am making a commitment to myself that I will not look at pornography or act out sexually in an inappropriate manner during this 24 hour period of time called today.”

Which of these two statements seem more manageable?  InnerGold has seen individuals grasp this concept and find much sought after sobriety because they understand that they don’t need to worry about the future because it’s just a concept.  Many use the mantra, “I don’t act out in the present moment.”  When the addictive brain hits you with a trigger or craving you acknowledge it and repeat in a gentle manner, “I don’t act out in the present moment” and then move on.

“A man’s whole life is a succession of moment after moment.  If one fully understands the present moment, there will be nothing else to do, and nothing else to pursues.”

-Yamamoto Tsunetomo

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In recovery you must have confidence in yourself.

“A sudden bold and unexpected question doth many times surprise a man and lay him open.” -Francis Bacon

It is amazing how powerful a proper question can be. If you find yourself in a situation where you are tempted, you can change the course of your life by asking and answering for yourself the following 10 questions. By asking yourself these questions you engage the part of the brain that is rational and logical. It is this part that has the ability to put the brakes on before acting on triggers. If you feel yourself heading down the path to addictive behaviors, stop and ask yourself these. When you are tempted you probably will not want to ask yourself these question but the commitment to do so can change the course of your life. Think about it.

The Ten Commandment Questions of Relapse Prevention

1) Will acting on this temptation bring me long-term satisfaction or instant gratification?

2) What will be the end result if I act on this temptation?

3) If I choose to act on this temptation will it make my life better or worse?

4) Do I take 100% responsibility for my own actions or do I blame others and make excuses?

5) Can anything force me to act out on this trigger against my will?

6) Is there a part of me that wants to walk away from this?

7) Can I choose to follow that part that wants to walk away?

Is there a feeling of peace that will come to me if I walk away?

9) Would I feel better about myself tomorrow if I didn’t act out today?

10) Can the addicted part of my brain force me to act out against my will?

Learn more about the InnerGold Treatment System by clicking this link.

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