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A question we frequently get is, “My pastor says stop looking at porn. I want to. I try to but have not been able to. What do I do?”
A few things you need to understand:
- This is an addiction
- Addiction is a powerful brain disease
- Chemical reactions are taking place
- The brain actually changes.
- To overcome sexual addiction issues like pornography there needs to be additional help. There are very few people that will power alone will help you manage this addictive behavior.
You need to learn the Language of Recovery
- Acceptance and Surrender
- Awareness
- Mindfulness
- Faith
On a forum I participate in someone mentioned how tired they were of dealing with the deep guilt they felt for their addiction. Another person mentioned that so many ecclesiastical institutions preach in a way that brings guilt whether intentional or unintentional. Although I agree that one should feel some forms of guilt for undesirable behaviors, hope is more productive in healing.
Most pornography addicts have become habitually addicted to the cycle of guilt and shame that comes with the practice. Understanding, tools for recovery, and positive hope should be used before strict punishment and guilt are brought to the table. Many leaders in today’s churches struggle to know how to help those coming to them with sexual or pornography addictions. Many use strict punishments thinking that will help “break” the addiction. More often than not I feel that instead of “breaking” the addiction, the individual seeking help most often gets “broken.”
Addicts seeking help want answers and hope. They want to know they aren’t alone and can find solutions to their plaguing addictions. They want someone who they can communicate with who will not be judgmental. Those seeking help are often scared knowing that bringing to light their addiction may hurt others around them. Understanding that becoming sober in sexual addictions is a process rather than a one time event is vital. Purposeful consequence can be helpful in situations of the non-penitent or those who may need some time to gain understanding of the blessings they have. Any consequence should have a positive focus with achievable goals affixed. Understanding this process will help those in spiritual authority likely lean towards mercy and positive progression as their means to help porn addicts rather than strict punishment.
:: transfered from previous blog – posted by becoming sober ::
As I went through recovery from porn addiction I realized something about my addictive cycle. I allowed religion to become part of the addictive cycle. It is VITAL that church leaders understand and can identify this behavior. For you addicts out there, maybe there is no religious piece to the cycle, but think about what I am going to explain and see if something besides religion is identified.
My cycle began as a very young man around 13 years old. As soon as I found that porn could bring ejaculation it was like gasoline and fire. I went about 3 years hiding my daily addiciton until it got so bad that I felt like total crap inside. I felt less confident and less about myself. Finally one day I went to a church leader and talked to him about it. He was very kind and told me to not look at porn and masturbate anymore. I left there feeling a weight lifted and like a million bucks! Here is the problem…this church leader didn’t give me any real solutions to my addiction. I felt better, but had no solution. After a few weeks I looked at porn and masturbated…. again and again and again, until I hit that dark place and overbearing weight in life once more. I went back to a church leader and the same thing happened. I got a little advise but no real solutions to becomming sober in an addiction. I felt the burden of guilt and secrecy lifted but no long-term solutions.
This cyclical story repeated itself in my life on and off for 15 years . Going to church leaders became part of my addictive cycle. So what can addicts and church leaders do? Addicts can listen to what I have said and instead of using a crutch (like a church leader or a friend we confide in) to justify our continued addictive behavior, we can go get professional help. Church leaders are professional minsters and can provide spiritual counsel but they are, for the most part, not addiction counselors. Church leaders are spiritual advisers and can advise their members with addictions to enroll in a program or get some form of professional counseling. It is this combination of good ecclesiastical form combined with the professional tools porn/sex addiciton counseling can bring that will provide long-term sobriety.
Some church leaders use harsh punishment and disciplinary force on members due to the frustration that addicts are not getting better and the cycle continues. The cycle continues whether discipline happens or not. It is not until healing through proper counseling and re-training the brain takes place that an addict will get better. This is where church leaders can champion encouraging members to go get help. If the addict is totally unwilling, that is when productive forms of discipline may be necessary. Increased problems and further secrecy in addiction come when church leaders punish those who are already penitent and just want help. So the answer is to lead members to seek help, not punish the willing. Those willing to seek help are already their own biggest personal critics and despise their own behaviors.
I went to over 15 church leaders throughout my life. One good leader said the following, “I have no idea how to cure or get you away from this addiction…however, I do know of a great counselor I want you to go to. He can help.” That is when I found Innergold 3 years ago and found the answers and pathway toward sobriety. It took 15 YEARS of church leaders to finally have one good man lead me towards real help. I thank that man and encourage all addicts and church leaders to learn from this blog.
