Help For Pornography & Sexual Addiction

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Dear Mr. Bruin,

I have been wanting to write this email for some time, but never envisioned what exactly would “push me over the edge” to do this.

I have been utterly amazed at the words you speak, the knowledge you have, and the effort you make to try and help other people – you really do want to change the world one person at a time!

I started the Inner Gold (IG) treatment right about the end of March, and a few weeks later I subscribed to the podcasts, which have caused me great behavioral changes i.e. after every podcast that I listen to, I have this urge to really change because the podcasts seem to address things I can relate to in an inexplicable manner. I hope this makes sense.

I guess it would help if I tell you a little bit about myself before the above statement would make sense. I am successful airline pilot for one of the biggest airlines in the world. I joined this company at the age of –, and before that I did the most incredible flying up in Africa, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and even Afghanistan! I started flying at the age of –, and have managed to live my dream ever since. I can honestly say that where I am sitting right now (career wise) I have managed to make a dream come true. This is something I am truly thankful for, but I have been dragging this dirty little secret with me since my youth when everything started for me in the form of a school friend telling me how he saw pictures of naked women on the Internet – the rest is self-explanatory.

Just like most of your clients/patients, I suffer from this horrible addiction of pornography too. I finally understand what it feels like to be truly frustrated with the process of trying and failing and staying sober. This is affecting my job, my self esteem, my focus, and I need help.

My biggest problem is that I can not speak to anyone about this. Not that I do not have parents or siblings, but for the exact reason that I do, and not only that, I have a wonderful brother and the best parents in the world… I guess pride is the word that I do not want to use, but know is the subject here, and I just feel like I need to vent. I need to share this with someone. I don’t think I have many friends, and the few ones I do are not exactly the ones I would like to share this with since they are not only friends, but work colleagues.

I listened to the most recent podcast where you say that pornography is the plague of our generation. This rattled me to the bone, and I don’t think any statement so far has shocked me to my core as much as what you described in this particular podcast. It is this very statement that makes me want to change like nothing else.

I have wasted time, money and emotions on pornography, and want to stop. I understand that I need to follow the IG manual’s advice (daily planning sheets, future picture statement, and meditation).

I can not begin to tell you how fortunate I am to have come across your website, and I would like to look back one day and see that I have truly recovered from an addiction.

We hope this letter helped you to relate and to realize you are not alone. As always, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have a great day.

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by: Gordon S. Bruin M.A., L.P.C.
American Board Certified Professional Counselor

To understand sexual addiction one must first have a basic/fundamental understanding of how the brain works.  In a very real sense we all literally have two brains as it were working on concert with each other.   How these two brains coordinate daily activities with each other will determine the quality of a person’s life.  There is the primitive or emotional brain known as the (Limbic System) and the rational logical part known as the pre-frontal cortex.  When one has become addicted the rational – moral – logical part of the brain seems weak when trying to deal with the compulsions that originate from the Limbic System.

Two-part brain: Prefrontal Cortex (logical thinking); Limbic System (survival portion of the brain)

For example, I recently received the following email,

“I am sick to my core by virtue of my indulgence in pornography. To be honest my appetite for porn accounted for why I got the internet in the very first place and now that I am down in a horrendous pit I seriously wonder whether there is hope of recovery for me for whenever I log onto the internet I must view porn. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I change who I am presently? Is there any change possible in the future for me?”

This person is dealing with an addiction because he experiences a profound sense of loss of control.  The part of his brain that is writing the above letter is the moral rational self or pre-frontal cortex.  His rational self is deeply disturbed by the things he has allowed himself to see and do.  After getting what it wants the Limbic System lays low and goes undercover.  If we were to engage the Limbic System we would hear a completely different series of thoughts.  Herein lays the dilemma of addiction.  A part of him wants to stop and yet a part wants to continue with the behavior.   Learning to recognize, understand and deal with this part that wants to continue with the behavior is what the InnerGold System is about.

Addiction occurs when the primitive or emotional brain dominates the decision making process.  Those who have become addicted are troubled by a fairly frequent obsession or compulsion to participate in behaviors that trouble the rational or logical mind.  The best word to describe what an obsession or compulsion feels like to an addict is “be-siege.”  Be-siege means: To surround with hostile forces. To crowd around; hem in. To harass or importune, as with requests: To cause to feel distressed or worried.  The clients that I have worked with over the years have described such feelings over and over again.

Those who struggle with sexual addiction don’t want these thoughts to come they just do.  These thoughts “harass, with requests” and they seem to never tire or leave for long. In other words they be-siege the person’s rational mind.  These thoughts originate from the Limbic (sub-conscious) part of the brain where there are no morals or values and where instant gratification is one of the prime directives. Again learning how to think differently about these thoughts and how to deal with them lays the foundation for recovery and change.  These skill and tools are taught in the InnerGold manual.  The rational brain has the capacity to manage the limbic but it must be taught a new language in order to do so.

Sex addicts often think, “I can stop anytime I want to. I don’t need this. I just like it.” Their rationalization never ceases until something of major proportion happens like: divorce, loss of job, getting in trouble with the law, etc. Then sex addicts realize there needs to be a change in their life style.

Common Signs, Symptoms and Behaviors of Pornography/Sexual Addiction
• Disengaged
• Not fully present when with others
• Exhaustion – both physically and emotionally
• Feel like two different people
• Secret behaviors
• Embarrassed about personal behaviors
• Deliberately vague: Omit facts, distort truth when questioned and stay out of the light.
• Avoid direct questions
• Tend to isolate
• Easily frustrated
• Use anger as a weapon to control others
• Low self-esteem
• Build up self by putting others down
• Fatigue
• Foggy mind
• Attempt to change the subject and confuse by introducing irrelevant material.
• Agree without commitment (say ‘yes’ without any commitment to it)
• Claim to be changed after doing the right thing only briefly.
• Accuse others of misunderstanding.
• Compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)
• Multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs)
• Multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
• Consistent use of pornography
• Unsafe sex
• Phone or computer sex (cybersex)
• Prostitution or use of prostitutes
• Exhibitionism
• Obsessive dating through personal ads
• Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking
• Sexual harassment
• Molestation/rape

Is there recovery/sobriety from this addiction?

Yes! InnerGold approaches the treatment of sexual addiction differently than others. Our approach is an inside out approach. We help a person understand why they feel like two different people. Why part of them wants to stop and the other part of them can’t stop. We call it the two-part brain.

Sexuality is a natural part of our lives but it can become distorted and twisted when it is left un-restrained.  The reason why pornography is the perfect moral poison is that the Limbic system is just doing its job.  It is only natural to be attracted to sexual material at the instinctive level.  For this reason it is the great exploiter of our time.

Recovery

Recovery is not a quick fix. It takes time and hard work but with help the sex addict can get control of their life and experience hope, confidence and long-term sobriety. InnerGold has become one of the world’s foremost treatment programs and has helped hundreds of addicts gain sobriety. Our recovery process begins with our treatment system and our free tools found throughout our site, like our daily and weekly boosts, our videos, our presentation on the two-part brain. For those who feel like they need additional help in becoming get sober, we offer phone counseling sessions, our monthly group MP3′s and will continue to provide more and more help aids.

Pornography Addiction | Sex Addiction | Overcome Pornography | Pornography Addiction Help | Sex Addiction Help | Addict | Recovery

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The other day I was reading and responding to a popular forum for pornography addicts. I ran into a couple interesting posts. One man who had been trying to get rid of his pornography addiction for quite some time was to the point of complete despair and was suicidal. Another young man had just decided it was time to fess up and stop his porn addiction and was hopeful in beginning his journey.

The young man said that he knew he could do it by himself through willpower and spiritual help alone. The suicidal man, once hopeful, said that he had been already trying for a long time, given up hope, and was so discouraged that there wasn’t any point any more. Why do I relate this story?

In recovering from porn addiction one must realize that they cannot do this on their own. Willpower alone is not sufficient. Using willpower alone is a defense the brain creates to always have “an excuse” to look at porn and act out again in the future. “I’m strong enough. I’m in control. I can quit anytime I want.”

Trying to do this by control and willpower alone is what leads a man to want to give up due to so many failures at the willpower thing. It is only when we admit that we need help and cannot do this by willpower alone that we can begin true recovery. This attitude is the beginning of surrender. One must literally give up “fighting” and realize that the addiction is more powerful than themselves. One must respect the power of pornography addiction and learn to accept that they will have addictive desires for the rest of their lives. The desires are normal and not the problem. What human being doesn’t have daily desires?

The key is learning to live a happy and productive life without fighting the addiction but rather learning to respect and live with the addiction. The attitude of fight is like cutting tearing off the leaf of a tree. The tree still lives and grows despite the “power” of tearing off a leaf. The path to recovery is about learning about the roots of the addiciton and digging directly at those roots. It takes time but it is possible. This is the attitude of recovery that enables the porn addict to gain the power to lean into the pain of desire without acting out on those feelings. As such sobriety is possible!

Learn more about addiction and how it affects you.

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