Help For Pornography & Sexual Addiction

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Robert Herrick - Image via Wikipedia

“Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, Old Time is still a flying’ and this same flower that smiles today tomorrow will be dying.” -Robert Herrick
Chronology, the science of time, is something we all think about when one year rolls away and another begins.  We are a year older in this arbitrary division we make of nights and days.  Few people like it.  Philip James Bailey, a nineteenth century poet, tells us that years are no way of reckoning time:  “We live in deeds, not year; in thoughts, not breaths; in feelings, not in figures on a dial.  We should count time by heart-throbs.  He most lives who thinks most – feels the noblest – acts the best.  Make the most of yourself now while the day lasts.
“List, good people all!  Past ten o’clock the hour I call.  Now say your prayers and take your rest, with conscience clear and sins confessed.  I bid you all good night! Good night!” – The Town Crier

Share on Facebook

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Learning to find joy in the journey is one of the greatest secrets of life.

The nature of life is that it is full of challenges. It is in facing these challenges with faith that makes it possible to make progress and grow stronger.

Ghandi once said, “Joy lies in the fight, in the struggle, in the suffering involved not in the victory itself.”

These are wise words to remember. We must continually move towards a way of being and not be so concerned about a particular destination. There is no destination that does not lend itself to another one in the future. That is why the InnerGold system is about becoming someone by the regular practice of doing dailies based on the 5 keys to the language of recovery which are acceptance, surrender, awareness, mindfulness and faith.

It is the obstacles we face that grants us the opportunity to become stronger and more compassionate towards others.

We can commit ourselves to keep moving forward and put a smile on our face despite the challenges that we might face!

Share on Facebook

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Dear Mr. Bruin,

I have been wanting to write this email for some time, but never envisioned what exactly would “push me over the edge” to do this.

I have been utterly amazed at the words you speak, the knowledge you have, and the effort you make to try and help other people – you really do want to change the world one person at a time!

I started the Inner Gold (IG) treatment right about the end of March, and a few weeks later I subscribed to the podcasts, which have caused me great behavioral changes i.e. after every podcast that I listen to, I have this urge to really change because the podcasts seem to address things I can relate to in an inexplicable manner. I hope this makes sense.

I guess it would help if I tell you a little bit about myself before the above statement would make sense. I am successful airline pilot for one of the biggest airlines in the world. I joined this company at the age of –, and before that I did the most incredible flying up in Africa, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, and even Afghanistan! I started flying at the age of –, and have managed to live my dream ever since. I can honestly say that where I am sitting right now (career wise) I have managed to make a dream come true. This is something I am truly thankful for, but I have been dragging this dirty little secret with me since my youth when everything started for me in the form of a school friend telling me how he saw pictures of naked women on the Internet – the rest is self-explanatory.

Just like most of your clients/patients, I suffer from this horrible addiction of pornography too. I finally understand what it feels like to be truly frustrated with the process of trying and failing and staying sober. This is affecting my job, my self esteem, my focus, and I need help.

My biggest problem is that I can not speak to anyone about this. Not that I do not have parents or siblings, but for the exact reason that I do, and not only that, I have a wonderful brother and the best parents in the world… I guess pride is the word that I do not want to use, but know is the subject here, and I just feel like I need to vent. I need to share this with someone. I don’t think I have many friends, and the few ones I do are not exactly the ones I would like to share this with since they are not only friends, but work colleagues.

I listened to the most recent podcast where you say that pornography is the plague of our generation. This rattled me to the bone, and I don’t think any statement so far has shocked me to my core as much as what you described in this particular podcast. It is this very statement that makes me want to change like nothing else.

I have wasted time, money and emotions on pornography, and want to stop. I understand that I need to follow the IG manual’s advice (daily planning sheets, future picture statement, and meditation).

I can not begin to tell you how fortunate I am to have come across your website, and I would like to look back one day and see that I have truly recovered from an addiction.

We hope this letter helped you to relate and to realize you are not alone. As always, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have a great day.

Share on Facebook

Why so much focus on the youth?

Share on Facebook

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

A question we frequently get is, “My pastor says stop looking at porn. I want to. I try to but have not been able to. What do I do?”

A few things you need to understand:

• This is an addiction
• Addiction is a powerful brain disease
• Chemical reactions are taking place
• The brain actually changes.
• To overcome sexual addiction issues like pornography there needs to be additional help. There are very few people that will power alone will help you manage this addictive behavior.

You need to learn the Language of Recovery

• Acceptance and Surrender
• Awareness
• Mindfulness
• Faith

Share on Facebook

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Pornography addicts commonly go through a process I like to call “the hunt.” The best way to explain the hunt is to understand the brain. The brain has a part called the “limbic system” and another part known as the “frontal cortex.” The limbic part of the brain is the instinctive or survival part. The frontal cortex is the logical and thinking part of the brain.

All animals have a limbic system as well, but most have very limited if any frontal cortex. Take a lion for example. If a lion is hungry, what does it do? It goes on the hunt and with fluid skill stalks out, hunts, and attacks its prey. In other words…it eats at all costs. This is a function of the limbic system.

One instinctive part of the limbic system is sexuality. Pornography alters the way our instinctive sexual desires function, creating unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations for very real and natural desires. Pornography literally alters the limbic system to incorporate the need for porn as a survival mechanism…like any other addictive drug. Most porn addicts are as addicted to the “hunt” for porn as they are to the actual viewing. The hunt becomes part of the addictive cycle and excitement of the addiction. Planning out (hunting) the next porn fix is a part of all porn addicts cycles. When a porn addict begins to understand the process of their hunt, they are able to put checks and balances in place to help gain sobriety. The hunt generally starts well before the actual acting out and viewing porn. If an addict can learn to recognize the beginning signs of the hunt and put them aside, the chances of learning sobriety greatly increase.

Share on Facebook

:: transferred from previous blog – posted by becoming sober ::

I was listening to a well known program where individuals call in looking for professional advise. Most of the time the advise is good. One specific person called in with the following problem: He got caught by his wife looking at porn. He had been looking at porn for over 18 months. He said that his wife was frustrated and felt betrayed. He was looking for help. The radio host downplayed the problem with pornography and said there must be something else creating the wife wanting to leave. The caller said that he honestly couldn’t think of anything and that it was the porn issue. He told the host that he wanted help and the host again downplayed his porn issue and said that there must be some other reason why the wife would want to leave. The frustrated caller said that he wanted help to stay away from porn and then got cut off due to a break in the show.

As a listener I was going crazy! I couldn’t believe that this confused and torn man was being told his porn problem was not the issue. IT WAS THE ISSUE! This man was pleading for help but since porn is viewed as “acceptable” to so many people, he got shut down and more discouraged. He literally started to cry on the air. He wanted help. So many people today are being told that porn is not a problem or addictive. This is a flat out lie! Millions are getting divorced, losing jobs, and destroying themselves and others due to porn and sex addiction. A major problem is that so many people are addicted to porn that they justify their own problems by downplaying it. It is temporarily easier to ignore porn addiction or play like it is not a real issue than facing its destructive nature head on. The crap always hits the fan eventually. ALWAYS! You can justify for only so long until pornography destroys. There is help out there. It is possible to become sober and get away from porn. Instead of justifying, let’s start solving the problem and that starts with ourselves.

Share on Facebook

:: transfered from previous blog – posted by becoming sober ::

A common similarity with porn and sex addicts whom I have met is the following: Most of them are generally very energetic, creative, and talented individuals. I have met many like myself who are technically savvy and have either a vast technology background and/or amazing entrepreneurial skills. Many would call me ADD becuase I like to work on various projects at the same time as a business owner. Why is this relevant? It is becuase before becomming sober in my addictions I used up a HUGE amount of energy in fulfilling my addictive desires.

I have met quite a few people who have found sobriety in sexual and porn addiciton. Many positive changes hold true across the board but one interesting fact in particular is the following: Recovered porn/sex addicts have learned to channel immense amounts of energy into other things. For me…it is my work and family. Before getting help I would simply go throughout the day running my business. I was successful but when my relapses would occur I would spend days and sometimes weeks finding excuses to be lazy and not focus on business growth. When business got stressful or family life got stressful, I turned to porn.

Once I got counseling I learned that some of the worlds most successful people have addictive tenancies but many have learned to channel that addictive energy to more productivity. One technique I learned to channel my addictive energy was applying a saying: “The pain of regret is far greater than the pain of discipline.” Learning to understand the pain of discipline and taking that pain and channeling it, opened up a whole new world. Instead of easily giving in to every addictive trigger and going straight to porn I learned to use that energy in working on business projects and other productive things. Needless to say my current business is more successful and I have 2 other ventures I am working on now.

It’s amazing how much time and energy open up when they are not being spent on hours of porn browsing and addictive behaviors. Not to mention…no more secrecy and deception which were huge energy killers. I would encourage any out there who are getting the life and energy sucked out of them from addiciton to get help becuase it is there. I am forever grateful that I did.

Share on Facebook

With the ease of access to pornography, 1 out of 5 men view pornography regularly and approximately 90% of children ages 8 to 16 have seen pornography on the internet. We are doing all that we can to help others with this ambush.

Share on Facebook

How does a porn addict or sex addict get better?

What is the driving force?

I have heard various people talk about fear. I have a friend who’s wife told him that if he ever looked at porn again, she would divorce him. This may well bring adequate fear…or did it? Well, he is still married and has slipped on occasion. What about the church leader who uses fear with someone who confesses? Is this curative to the addict? For years I often thought this fear of man and even of God might “cure” me from my addiction. I was wrong. Fear only brought temporary success followed by relapse.

It wasn’t until I finally found sobriety through my counseling with InnerGold that I realized how to really get better. It was a literal 360 degree change in my views and perception of fears. I found that using external fears as motivation only created temporary moments of sobriety. Fear meant that I was trying to stop looking at porn for others. What I learned from this finally brought success. I learned to get better for “ME.” Yes for myself. I had grown to hate my addiction and what it did to me. This made me hate myself too often. I had a hard time forgiving myself. I thought that I had to get sober for everyone else. I thought I was secondary. This attitude of “everyone else” is what brings the fear of messing up. It actually drives into the addiciton and creates cycles where the addict slips up more often. Even worse, these slips create hating of ones self and feelings that we are worthless.

I have learned to be confident in myself. I have learned to “love” who I am instead of the former “internal conflict and hate.” On the occasions where I have had small slips, I do not justify but I also do not beat myself up or create feelings of hate from within. I move on and learn instead of dwelling. Instead of always living in fear of “messing up” I strive to live in personal confidence and set daily goals. I am sober for me. This “personal” sobriety from porn is what makes me a better husband, father, church member, and contributor to society. The point is that I no longer focus on the fear of the external but rather focus on internal progress. This is the difference between negative and positive recovery.

Share on Facebook